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He Held Me First

My 7 year old daughter Izzabella has often said this phrase to me before and I have heard he say it while playing with her siblings as well. I never really put much thought to it. I never really understood what she meant by it either. Like I mentioned before I never really put much thought into it. Until last night, laying in bed she asked me very intently “why did daddy hold me first?” I knew she was asking with the intent that I knew what she was talking about…. so I quickly thumbed through my memory storage files in my head. A thought came to mind, could she really possibly be referring to this? I thought silently. There is no way she could remember this? She asked me again, you know kids and patience’s just don’t mix! I asked her a question back, ” are you talking about when you were first Born? She answered back with a sort of DUH tone to her voice, YES!

My baby girl Izzabella had a quiet unusual entrance into this world. She got stuck! Yep stuck….. I was in labor for 15 hours, and nothing was happening. Seeing how this was my 3rd pregnancy it should have been well done and over by now. I was miserable to say the least. I was a bit perturbed they let this go on so long before figuring out that maybe something was wrong… my first mistake was never preparing my self that I could ever actually have a cesarian or c-section to give birth to my children. I have done it normal 2 times before this why would I ever need to. Well because my last 2 babies had to be related to Goliath, in size any way! They were giants as newborns, she was 9lbs and my last baby was 10lbs! So yep she was stuck! The poor thing even had a bruise on her forehead from trying and trying to come out.

They rushed me off to prepare to surgically remove her. I was already exhausted at this point, dilated fully as well. Any mom here will know how uncomfortable I was at this point. Add being cut open at this point was overwhelming, I was scared, I had no idea what to expect, the thought of being awake while I was being cut on was a bit terrifying. I do not do well with anesthetics, in makes me vomit. Thats all i did the whole time they were working to get her out.

So the beauty of child birth just got real ugly real quick. I was not in a good place physically or mentally at this point. So when she made her grand entrance into this world I couldn’t even enjoy seeing her held next to me. So daddy “held her first!”

I was really taken back that she remembered this. It brought tears to my eyes. Izzabella is and always has been a daddies girl. She is the most torn when he is away. She has a bear that he bought her for her birthday that is HER daddy when he is away. She wears his old work badge with his picture on it as often as she can. The behind the scenes mom I was referring to in my Auto Pilot blog was about her. She would lay crying by the door for hours after he left on his long trips away from home. It breaks my heart to see this every time. It makes more sense now remembering the close bond she has had with him from literally her entrance into this world.

I couldn’t help but think how our heaven daddy feels about us in this moment last night when she asked me. He (God) did hold us first! He knew us before we were knit together in our mothers wombs! How often has he looked at me with the same heart ache and dispart as I look at my baby crying at the door for her father, and there is nothing I can do to comfort her because she won’t let me. How often are we seeking comfort in any one and everything but the very one who designed us, who made our every intricate parts and knows how many numbers of hairs are on our heads! His thoughts about us out number the grains of sand! But no we think, how could he possibly comfort us when we can’t even see him… thats the beauty of faith that is of the unseen! How often are we left with a bruise trying to make something fit that just won’t. God is the only one who can give us the peace that surpasses ALL understanding. The peace that when your husband tells you he has cancer again, and this time you can see the struggle of pain in every breath and in the hoarseness of trying to speak the words I love you.

There is a God shaped hole in all of our hearts and only He can fill it up! Let God comfort you, let him in the door… God shaped hole by Plumb

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