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Imperfect

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Warning: I am about to get really real with you all…

How we see ourselves effects everyone around us. I often look at people of al shapes and sizes, who have this “perfect” joy and wonder how they view themselves.

Being a person who has struggled with self image since childhood, was once told a certin person in my life had stolen my soul. These wise words where spoken to me by my late grandmother when I was 14, right before I found out I was pregnant.

The neighborhood bully was my boyfriend since the age of 12. He didn’t just bully everyone else, but me also. It started a 5 year realtionship, and marraige of abuse. My precious baby gave me the strength to survive every day during those years. I was in a zombie type mental stage of such deep drastic depression. I was not “allowed ” to let anyone know of the harsh abuse I was in. I feared for myself and my child If I were to engage in any type of rescue; out of my life of bondage to the monster slave that kept me.

I was told things that “if” I ever left, no one would want me, followed by a cruel description of something about my appearance. Along with being told I would be hunted and killed, that no one would find my body. Knowing that my daughter would be without me to protect her, I never considered this, for a long time any way.

Being raised in a home with a father that was mentally abusive to my mother, and a womanizer gave me a poisoned start to a self incriminating self image. So being drawn to the bully was all to natural for me. I lead myself right into the mouth of the monster. The image of the Lophius piscatorius also known as an Anglerfish, one in particular that lives in the deepest darkness of the ocean where no light from the sun pierce through to this depths. It has an antena like fishing pole ontop of its head with a luminous bulb that lights to alert its prey that it is something it is not. Its a decpetion of the highest monsterous deceits. Once the prey is close thinking it will endulge in a lushes meal, it becomes that meal as this light at the last possible moment enlightens the face Of a hidious killer.

I have been such prey many times unfortunately in my life. Leaning on my own understanding, and teachings of the world and an ungodly father. It was a recipe for disaster of great proportions for many years.

The only thing I had going for me where the bible teachings branded into my heart from a mother who faithfully took my brother and I to church as children, while my father casually called us Jesus freaks as we left the house.

The love of a mother is so strong that it can overcome any fear, I was able to escape my abuser by literally running out the door in my pj’s and bare feet with my 1 year old in my arms. The first and only time he hit me while holding her is what enflamed the raging dormate mother bear inside me!

Although I never experienced physical abuse in any other relationships, the mental abuse was still a luminous attracting deceptive light in all my relationships. Not knowing what a healthy relationship even looked like, I was doomed. I lead a life of seeking love in all the wrong places as the saying goes. Parties, drugs, men you name it I went looking to fill that void deep inside. The emptiness of not know who I really was and thinking these things would tell me. Pushing down every bit of biblical knowledge of who I was trying to stay angry with a “God” who let so much happen to me.

I proceeded to getting every self help book there was and seeking worldly counseling. I took free classes on ending domestic violence. I did years of domestic violence counseling. My eyes began to see “red flags” but also the waving of white ones behind them. My compassionate heart blinded me to the red ones. I was plyable and gullable, still hoping and praying for change in people. My shell was still britel and broken, carring the bags on my sholders of guilt and shame. Each relationship adding more and more baggage. Soon my legs quivering in the pain of holding such weight, I fell. I fell into the devils deception of suicide being the only lumosity of escape. I was 14 with my first attempt at this trying to escape the monster bully, but then the beauty of new life washed over that feeling, soon to see that waving white flag he drew my back in to the depths of the dark.

Learning of why hurt people, hurt people did help me understand a little in my road to recovery. We all have something that fuels our every action wether its hurt, anger, fear. Every thing we do is taught by something, you can trace almost every behaviour to something in our childhood. Some of us cling so tightly to our childhood fears or hurts that it makes or breaks us. Have you ever wondered why that person you came in contact with was so grumpy? have you ever thought this person should not be in this line of work if they are going to be so rude to people ect. I have…. I was taught at such a young age to put on that mask and pretend every thing is just fine while screaming behind the glassed over eyes of my soul. Others though, maybe it is not so easy to hide the pain, maybe they are so hurt inside that the only thing left to pour out is anger and bitterness.

Despite what has happened in life we still have a choice. We have a choice to react in a positive way or a negative way to life circumstances. We have a choice to believe the lies people say about us or hold to the truth.

My grandmother was such a loving sweet christ like women. Hearing here stories of her life I often wondered how she was still such nice person after all that. This is my child mind speaking at this time.  Until I experienced the extreme hardships of life myself.  She had such a deep relationship with Jesus that I pray one day I will have as well. I honestly do not understand how people do life with out Jesus. I would not be alive today, or with the gentle compassionate spirit I have. Yes, people have taken advantage of my then weaknesses. I have learned to strengthen my gifts God instilled in me to not be used against me.

I have scars on  the inside and the out side, many of them. BUT they do not define me. They show me what I have been through, not who I am. They show me that I can over come hardships, not be defined by them.

Learning to love and forgive ourselves is the hardest thing in life, trust me. I have been able to forgive my trespassers who have done horrendous things to me. The bible says we must forgive others if we ourselves want to be forgiven by God. This includes US. Do you ever think you need to forgive yourself? Do you talk down to yourself? Do you hate the things you have done? How do you treat yourself? What do you say when you look in the mirror?

God defines me, God forgives me, God Loves me! I am a daughter of the most high!! How God sees me as washed clean, forgiven, beautifully made in HIS image! These are the things I have to remind my self when I look in the mirror!

* My father whom I mentioned in this blog, after 10 long years of us praying for his salvation was saved. He is a man of God and we have mended our relationship and my children can know their grandfather as a man of God now, not the man I grew up with. God is good, don’t give up!

1 Comment »

  1. The hideous cycles of abuse blind us to our true selves in Christ. Thank you for your honesty and vulnerability. Thank you for this reminder, “God defines me, God forgives me, God Loves me! I am a daughter of the most high!!” I’m going to be thinking on this today.

    Liked by 1 person

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